


break me to pieces, skin and bone

by pie123



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, HARD, Spoilers (duh), This would be canon, but one can only wish, but some fluff if you squint your eyes and look really, endless angst, in an ideal world, oodles and oodles of it, post IW angst, really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-11-17 21:55:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18107246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pie123/pseuds/pie123
Summary: "We've all lost people. I lost people too. Those people were important to me, TOO. You're not the only person to be hurt by this, and you're certainly not alone. I'm here for you. I've BEEN here for you, despite all that's happened, I knew that we would fix things, because I had you by my side. And I'm sorry you don't feel that way about me, but you still have me.. right now. But I swear to god, Steve, if you keep doing this.. one day- one day you're going to lose me too."





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this is an idea that's been in my head since CW, but there's nothing like procrastinating on a research paper to light a fire under your ass, is there? Also, I'm not totally happy with this, and with that being said, I will most definitely come back and pick apart at this until I can't anymore

prologue

Natasha wishes she could run away. For the first time in her life, just run. Not for her sake, but for the sake of the man she loves. 

She wants to pack their bags and take him away as far as she can, deep into the galaxy. She doesn’t care that even the galaxies aren’t safe, and nothing will stop him from doing what he thinks is right. Natasha knows this all too well. But none of this can contain the anger that bubbles in her chest, threatening to engulf her at all hours of the day, nothing can stop the constant feeling of fear and anxiety that runs rampant in her head. 

Natasha doesn’t fear for her life, she hasn’t in a long time. 

She fears for him, she holds her breath every time she sees his nostrils flare and his hands twitch, anytime anybody mentions a plan, a battle, a solution, for the moment he’ll step back onto the battlefield. 

But almost more than anything, she hates the world. She hates them all. She hates that this is what she does, that this what he does. Because even she can’t deny that this is what he was born to do, what he was destined to do, no matter how much she tries. She hates that the entire world turns to him now, looking for answers, looking for someone to avenge their loved ones and their grieving souls. 

Looking for someone to die for them.


	2. Shock + Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! It's been a while since i've updated, but it took me a long time to write this chapter. More context will be given once I upload the prequels

“We don’t know the extent of the damage and how many are gone. The numbers keep going up but we have no clue when the counter will stop.” Steve says as he addresses the few of them that are left.

He looks around the place that he used to call home. The place still looks exactly as it did before he had left, but nothing felt the same. Steve remembered the times when they had sat in this exact room, going over mission briefs, eating junk food and making constant jabs at each other.

But that just seemed so far from reality right now. It was in a different world, a different time, and that moment had long passed.

“Once we find out the number of casualties, we’ll also have to see what we can do to help. Send out teams to help. Let’s do our best to find out Tony’s status right now. It’s imperative that we find out if he’s alive or if he needs rescuing. Fury, Hill, and Clint as well. Nat, you still maintain regular contact with them, see what you can find out-“ Steve stops in his tracks as his eyes land on Natasha. Her eyes are trained on the casualty counter as the numbers go up by the second. He’s never seen her like this before. She’s frozen in place, her eyes filled with tears and mouth agape.

It wouldn’t look like much out of the ordinary to most people, considering the situation they’re in, but he knows her well enough to know that this is not normal for Natasha Romanoff.

His heart aches even more as he fully takes in the sight of Natasha, if that’s even possible. The two of them have been through so much together, and he’d like to think that he knows her as well as anybody in the world could know Natasha Romanoff. He’s seen many sides of her, but this? This is something he has never seen in her before.

She looks so completely and utterly broken. Natasha is normally so composed and in control of her every action and emotions, she would never normally break down in front of everyone like this.

“Actually- I think everybody should get some rest first.” He has to force himself to tear his gaze away from Natasha as he speaks. “I know that it’ll be hard, but we’re all exhausted, and we need to be in the best shape possible so that we can create a proper game plan. We can reconvene tomorrow.” The group nods as they make to leave the mission room, all of them too tired to protest. He waits until everybody shuffles out of the room and him and Natasha are the only people left in the room.

She’s still rooted in the chair she’s sitting in, making no move to get up. Even as Steve approaches her, she makes no move to acknowledge him, she’s too lost in her own thoughts.

He crouches down before her so that they’re at eye level and raises his hand to her cheek, running his thumb down the side of her face. His touch hits her like a jolt of electricity, and she jumps a little in her seat. Natasha’s eyes finally meets his, and the look in her eyes frighten him.

“Hey.” Natasha says softly as her own hand reaches up to cover his.

“Hey beautiful, let’s head to bed, alright?” Steve asks as he pulls Natasha to her feet in one fell swoop.

This is all uncharted territory for Steve. As much as anyone may think otherwise, Natasha had always been the strong one between the two of them. She had always been a pillar of support for him and all their friends, even when they didn’t know they needed it. She was the strong one. She was the smart and levelheaded one who could forge ahead through anything, and now it was Steve’s turn to do the same for her. The anguish he felt over her palpable despair hurts him so much more than the any of the pain dealt to him today.

Despite all this, Steve is nonetheless surprised by how easily Natasha allows herself to lean on him.

He holds her tightly as they walk towards his room, her body pressed firmly to his side and her arms around his waist like a vice.

Their wordless exchange continues as they silently strip and step into the burning hot shower, futile in their attempts to wash away the day until the water runs cold.

Natasha runs her thumb over Steve’s fading cuts on his face, and Steve tries not to wince at the bruises that pepper Natasha’s body. Down her arms and the sides of her torso, turning an angry purple as they start to bloom. The lack of wounds in comparison to Natasha only serves as a sad analogy.

Even as they’ve dried off and are laying in their pyjamas, the silence persists. All they can hear is the sound of their heavy hearts beating in the chests.

They hold each other close for fear of one another disappearing, though they can never say these words out loud.

“Steve?”

“Mhm?”

“Thank you.” Natasha whispers into his chest.

Thank you for being alive. Thank you for staying with me, and holding me close, and not bolting as soon as the path opens up for you- All of this is on the tip of the tongue, but can’t say any of these things out loud.

“Stop being silly, Nat. Get some rest.” There’s so much more than he wants to say, but he’s not sure he can quite put it into words, and he’s not quite sure what is and isn’t appropriate considering the situation. He hopes that she understands what he means even if the words don’t come out of his mouth.

__________________________________

Days and weeks go by and all of them just try to hold on as best as they can. Even they are lost in the midst of the aftermath, and they don’t know what else they can do except show up where they can and boost public morale, and despite there being nothing left of themselves to share, they still give away every shred of themselves. And Steve does so more than anybody else.

Steve is supposed to hold a press conference with the vice-President, or more accurately, the President now that the previous president has disappeared into a cloud of dust.

Nat tries not to let it show on her face as she watches Steve shave off the remainder of his beard, but the anger bubbles within her anyways. She knows that it’s wrong, but she feels enraged.

It’s time for Steve to return to what he was destined for, and it hadn’t really hit her until this.

The beard, the life on the run, living as a fugitive, none of that is him. He’s shedding his disguise and heading back to the real world. The life that she had known for the last two years was officially gone.

But if Natasha was being honest, it had come and gone long before this. The minute that they had lost, that life had ended too.

It was time for Steve to return to his real life now. This was what he had always been bound for, and the last two years had been a mere detour.

“Are you spying on me, you weirdo?” Steve says teasingly, snapping her out of her trance. His eyes are locked on her through the reflection of the mirror and it takes more effort than she would like to admit for her to loosen her frame and plant a smirk on her face.

“Well in case you haven’t noticed, Captain, that’s kind of what I do.” Natasha walks towards Steve, and wraps her arms around his waist, tucking her head into his back.

“Riiight- Black Widow, the notorious spy, in the midst. You better be careful though, Black Widow, there’s a lady in my life, and she can kick anybody’s ass.” He turns around to face her and laughs as he says it, and the sound of it makes Natasha feel even sadder if possible. He towers over her, as per usual, but he bends down until he’s at eye level, his face mere centimetres away from hers.

“Tell her to bring it on.” Natasha can’t stand to stare into his impossibly blue eyes anymore. His stare is piercing right into her soul, and it makes it feel like her heart has been crumbled into a fine dust. She wraps her arms around his neck and closes the distance between them, her lips still finding his even with her eyes closed. She kisses him until her lungs burn and her lips are bruised, like it’s the last time. It takes everything in her not to cry, because it certainly feels as if this is the last time for her.

Later, when she watches Steve put on the suit that Tony had designed for him, she wants to ask him, beg him, not to go. These were the people who had turned his back on him when he had tried to live his own life, and now they were back, acting as if nothing had happened. He wasn’t a fugitive in their minds anymore, not when they needed him at least. They world had no problem turning to him now that they needed him, calling upon him like they owned him. They all had no problem asking him to die for them.

Steve asks her to come with him. He says that it’s alright that she doesn’t make any public engagements, because it’s not her job.

It’s his job. He doesn’t need to say it when they both know. She seriously debates it for days before deciding against. Because even without her contempt for Washington and the dirty politics at play, she can’t help but feel like it’s something that Steve does for her out of obligation now that he’s back to his real life. It feels like he’s humouring her, like a parent being forced to bring their child to work because he’s tasked with taking of her.

So she says no, telling him that she can’t be away from HQ since she needs to keep track the situation even though they both know she could definitely do it from DC. Still, she is glad that he seems to accept her decision and doesn’t press any further.

“I’ll call you tonight before I head to bed.” Steve says, and for the millionth time in the last few weeks, she feels herself get caught off guard again and she despises it. This isn’t her. It isn’t what she does. “Nat, you alright?”

“Yeah, of course I am. You better get going so that you have time to settle down in the hotel. And you wouldn’t want to keep Rhodey waiting-“ Natasha stops in tracks once she realizes that she’s rambling. She wishes it wasn’t so painfully obvious that she’s doing everything in her power to get Steve on the quinjet, all so she can come out with a bit of her sanity intact.

“Alright, I’ll get going now. See you in a week.”

And with a quick peck and the wave of a hand, Steve is gone from her sight, and Natasha turns on her heels, speeding off like she’s testing how far she can go, how fast she can run.

___________________________________

 

Steve calls that first night as promised, and the same the second night. And all through the first week, they try to maintain constant contact through texts, but Natasha feels as though she’s living someone else’s life, playing the role of somebody else. This doesn't feel like her life anymore. It’s something she’s known all too well in her life, but this is something that she had never wanted to do with Steve.

His trip ends up being extended by another week, and by the second week, the two stay in contact with much more irregularity. There are more meetings that he must attend , and his tight schedule makes it hard to stay in contact- this is something that Natasha understands to be logical and true, but in her head, it is just another reaffirmation that Steve has gotten back into the pattern of his real life.

 

___________________________________

Natasha decides that their time apart has been good. Or at least she tries her damndest to convince herself of that.

Distance allows for perspective. It's something that Natasha has always relied on to protect herself so that she can step back before she gets hurt. It has taught Natasha that it is better to walk away from something when it is still good and pure, rather than forcing it until toy are left with something broken and sullied.

Their time together had been an anomaly, a mistake, and there was no point in dragging on the inevitable. This was a good thing. It would be a good thing for the both of them. In time, she would learn to accept it, and Steve would realize that it was the right decision.

But if it was a good thing, why did it hurt so goddamn much? Why did it feel like her heart was being torn to shreds every time she took a breath?

She physically braces herself for when he’ll arrive back at the complex tomorrow. She has to keep reminding herself of her mission, torturing herself with the details until she can’t feel anything. She feels as if she’s almost back in the Red Room again, undergoing torture training. But no matter how hard she tries this time, she can’t get it to hurt any less. If anything, it only hurts more and more with each reminder. The good times come flooding back and it's almost enough to stop her in her tracks. Almost.

Natasha takes to setting up her old room to distract herself, but there’s not much to be done. It’s exactly as she left it and it’s as clean as ever. Resigned to her fate, Natasha makes to leave her room after her quick inspection when she’s interrupted by the voice of someone that she was dreading to see for the first time in a very, very long time. Because even when it was bad, she always yearned to see him, always wanted him in her life.

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Should’ve thought to look here I guess.” Steve says, looking as handsome as ever in a simply grey t-shirt and jeans. His ocean blue eyes are sparkling as he approaches her. And Natasha almost loses her resolve once and for all. But she has to rip off the bandaid before she loses all courage.

“I think that I’m going to stay in my room from now on. I’ll grab my stuff from your room later.” Natasha all but stutters out.

By now, Steve has caught on to Natasha’s lack of enthusiasm at his appearance and the nerves that are flying off of her, even if he hadn't just heard Natasha Romanoff _stutter._ He looks.. confused, and not relieved as she had originally thought he would, but she doubts that she’s been very clear so far. She takes the deep furrow in his brow and a lack of a response as a sign to continue.

“I think- I think, that it would be best if we went back to our normal lives. Back to the lives we lived before we went on the run.”

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Nat. What are you talking about-” Steve continues to approach Natasha, reaching out to touch her arm. She takes a step back despite her heart telling her to hold him close at the site of the wounded puppy look on his face, and shifts her arms closer to her body. Immediately, she sees the hurt spread through his body, and she really, really wants to tell him that she’s sorry, and how much her heart hurts seeing him hurt like this, but she promised herself that she was going to stay strong, and Natasha Romanoff always follows through.

“I’m giving you an out, Steve. A get-out-of-jail free card, a reset, whatever the hell you want to call it. This was just a detour in our lives, it wasn’t meant to last forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, hope you've enjoyed my self indulgent ramblings. comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> Also, free feel to tweet or DM me on twitter and yell at my about my fic. ask me questions, cry about marvel and romanogers, anything really! My username is @chrLspycreme !


	3. chasing karma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! long time no update :) I found it really difficult to write this chapter but I did my best with it, hopefully the rest of it comes to me sooner or later.

Maybe it was because everything was a constant reminder of all the reasons why he couldn’t possibly love her, all the reasons why he shouldn’t. 

She was who she was, and no amount of repenting would change that. 

And despite any faults that he may have, any wrongs that he may have committed, he’s still him, and he’s well- he’s everything she’s not. 

Maybe she had let herself get away with it for far too long. She had spent so much of her life running away that she thought she could get away from the truth as well, but she’s tired of living a lie and pretending like everything is alright when it’s not. And she’s tired of living like a thief living on borrowed time, always looking over her shoulder waiting for the jig to be up.

 

__________________________

 

“We have what we have, when we have it.” Natasha repeats the exact words that she had first spoken to him in what feels like a million years ago. “Everything changes, Steve. Things change. Circumstances change. And that’s alright. It’s alright, Steve.” 

He doesn’t say anything, so she takes the unwavering intensity of his eyes on her and the increasing tenseness of his body as a cue to continue. 

“You’ve always been a great friend to me, Steve. You’ve been a partner…a leader, a confidant, and I will always be so grateful for that. I don’t want any of that to change.” The words sound so unconvincing even as they come out of her mouth. 

“So what do you want, Natasha? You want to act as if the last two years didn’t happen? To go back to however it was before and for us to act all fine and dandy?” Steve says quietly at first. His tone uncharacteristic of his typical collected and imposing one.

“It’s not about what I want. This is how things have always been. We’ve just pretended like it wasn’t true. Everything that happened, happened because we were on the run. Those circumstances had been different.” Natasha tries to keep her tone and demeanour calm. She knows that Steve will understand in time, and allowing her facade to crack won’t be any help to anybody. 

“Is this what you want, Natasha?” Steve says, through gritted teeth. His words come out terse and ice cold and she nearly flinches from how angry he is, even though she has no right to. She initiated this. The urge to to fight the vitriol in his voice with her own words of anger bubbles within her. That would be the easy way out. Maybe it would hurt so much less if she were angry. Even if it was just for a second.

“Don’t lie to yourself, Steve. I’m doing you a favour. It’s never been about what I wanted. You never wanted me before everything went to shit.” Her words of anger and insecurity tumble out despite her best attempts to contain them, her instinct to protect herself overriding all else. 

“God, Natasha. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. How could you even say something like that?” He runs his fingers through his hair and tries his best to get a grip on his emotions. He doesn’t want to fight with Natasha, but it was difficult to not react to what she was saying.

Natasha doesn’t know how much longer she can do this for. The pain in her heart is unbearable and she wants nothing more than to run away. She would’ve been long gone by now if it wasn’t the coward’s way out, impossible for anybody to find. She’s already gone too far with her words that have built up over the years. This conversation had not gone done nearly as well as she had initially imagined, and every second that it dragged on only served to hurt the two of them more. She wishes that he could see that this is for the best, she thought that he would understand. He was pragmatic and adaptable, and she was just trying to set him free. 

“This is who I am, Steve. This is who i’ve always been. You should know this. You’re who you are. You’re spotless. The perfect man, the perfect soldier, a hero to the world. Do I need to go on? And this is me, cold and cruel. I pretended that this wasn’t who I was, but who am I kidding? This will always be me. Why are we pretending like this could work when you and I both know that I’m not the kind of person that you’re meant to spend the rest of you” She knows that she’s not being nearly as cold as she can be. She’s probably hardly even convincing him with her cruel attempts. 

“Why are you doing this, Natasha? This isn’t you and you know it. Did you think that I was going to just say “alright” and move on without a fight?”

“You don’t know me as well as you think you do.” She retorts, firing shots at everything in her vicinity. His eyes grow steely at the increasing edginess in Natasha’s voice, bracing himself for the battle.

“Maybe not. Maybe I don’t know you at all. I sure as hell don’t know why you’re doing this right now.” Steve’s tone growing to match hers, and a tiny part of Natasha is glad that he’s starting to get her point, but so much more of her aches at the anger and cruelty that has grown between them, so much so that the pain flashes across her face for a moment before she can contain it. 

“There you guys are. Have you not been checking your phones at all? Briefing in the mission room-“ Rhodey says, seemingly coming out of nowhere to appear at the doorway, though Natasha knows its just because she’s far too preoccupied with this fight. 

“Not now, Rhodey.” Steve practically growls, the words slipping through his teeth as he barely succeeds in holding everything together. 

“It’s urgent.” Rhodey says again, and before Steve has a chance to make any further protests, Natasha has already turned on her heel, practically running out of the room. Running from him. 

__________________________

“The CIA was able to ascertain that Fury and Hill were dusted away in the aftermath. They found some sort of pager device with Fury’s vehicle and they’ve handed it over to us for further analysis.” Rhodey says to the small group. The meeting is a rather informal one, but even so, it was certainly an important one. Everybody is focused on what Rhodey is saying. Everybody but Steve, that is. 

His eyes are trained on Natasha, still reeling from their conversation. Even as she tries to direct all of her attention to the meeting, Steve knows that she is painfully aware of his gaze on her. 

He doesn’t know what to make of the situation. Everything had hit him like an avalanche the moment he had walked into Natasha’s room, all of it coming as a total surprise. He had come back from D.C a day earlier to surprise her, but instead he had been the one that had been surprised. He knew that she wasn’t feeling her best and was a little distant, but he had chalked it up to everything happening and him having to leave for D.C. He had never thought about the possibly of something like this is happening between them. The guilt and regret of his cruel words setting in as soon as he had a moment to take a breath. This wasn’t Natasha. She had done a damn good of trying to put on a facade, but now that he was looking back, he could see that it had been nothing but that, a facade. There was something that he was missing, but for the life of him, he couldn’t think of anything that had gone wrong between them. 

It becomes clear to him that Natasha is not holding it together as well as Steve had originally thought. It’s obvious to him as soon as his eyes land on her. It’s minute at first, the way her facades starts to crack and fall away, but Steve has come to know Natasha well over the years, and he can’t help but notice how she wrings her hands and the way that her upper-body shakes. Natasha doesn’t fidget. She doesn’t shake. At least not normally. 

It doesn’t take long for her to fall apart, and even though Steve hasn’t taken his eyes off of her for even a millisecond, he’s still surprised at how quickly the distress spreads across her face as the situation dwells on her. Natasha jumps out for her chair as soon as the first signs of distress hit her and she makes a break for her it. Steve barely registers it before his instincts kick in and he runs straight after her. He doesn’t care what the others have to say right now. But in the seconds that it takes him to reach the hallway, Natasha is nowhere to be found, like she never existed at all. 

______________________________

It still manages to scare her sometimes, how much that she’s willing to do for him. It hadn’t taken her long after meeting him to realize that there wasn’t much that she wouldn’t do for him. And as time went on, as she began to learn that she loved him, and the extent of how much she loved him, it scared her to realize that she would give up everything for him. 

Natasha Romanoff was a lot of things. A spy, a seductress, a murderer. But one thing she was not, was weak. Since she could remember, she had been the best at what she did. She was calm, collected, efficient, unwavering, it was what made her such a powerful weapon. Even when she knew nothing, had no one, she always knew that she could rely on herself. But that was before she had met him, and fallen for him. 

She had been naive and stupid to fall for someone like him. He was kind, and good, and pure, the paragon of a hero. He lived in black and white, and she was defined by grey. And maybe this is what drew him to her. He was everything that she was not, and he made her want to be better. 

But love always made people weak. It made people do things that were irrational and illogical, skewing their brains and softening them to the point of weakness, and maybe everybody else in the world could be weak, but not Natasha. She had somehow let herself forget that love was for children, and now she was paying the price, because she loved him so much. So much more than she could even fathom. He had quickly and deftly taken over her heart and now she had become someone that she could no longer recognize. 

Her love for Steve had made her weak. It left her unable to keep her composure or stand her ground when it came to him, and she would always inadvertently put him before anything else. It left her vulnerable. It made her susceptible to pain that she had never felt before she fell in love with him. 

It scares her to know how much she loves him, because she knows she loves him more than anything else in the world. It scares her to know how much power it has over her because it just means it would hurt her that much more. But despite it all, she still doesn’t want to let him go. Every part of her is saying that she couldn’t possibly let him go, but she knows that she has to. It’s the right thing for her to do. 

Natasha knows that this is what is best for Steve, and she would do anything for him, so why was it so damn hard to let him go? It was the right thing to do, both for him and for herself. She had become too soft, too weak, and the way that she had broken down in front of everybody was just an indication of that. She had tried her best to keep it together, and even she had been surprised by her outburst. 

She knew that she had to get out of there immediately, so she ran as if her life depended on it. She had contemplated leaving the complex all together, but even in this situation, it had seemed too cruel. So she had found herself here, a heap at the foot of the dock that overlooked the lake. Even now, she was trying her best to hold it together, to little avail. It is too hard to overcome the pain that fills her heart and wracks her entire body, and the tears that refuse to stop spilling don’t help either. 

She’s not alone for long though. She can sense his presence approaching and the sound of his footsteps against the dock. 

“Leave me alone, Steve.” Natasha says even though she hardly means it all. She tries her best to wipe away the sadness off of her face and any remnants of her outburst. 

“I can’t.” He takes a seat on the dock as well, sitting so that their backs are against each other, and Natasha almost, almost, melts into him like she has so many times before. But she holds back, and the tears seemed to have stopped for the most part. Still, the heaviness in her heart is greater than ever. The situation was almost serene with the two of them sitting in silence, staring into the vast lake. But everything seemed worse now that the anger and fire was gone between them and only hurt remained.

It takes her a while to conjure up any words, or to process Steve’s words. They had been imposing or spiteful, he had just said them like they were a matter of fact. He was too good to let anybody suffer alone. 

“What do you want from me?” She says, finally. 

“Answers? The truth? That’s the least you can do if you’re going to unceremoniously dump me.” 

“Do you trust me, Steve?” 

“More than anything.” His answer hit like a punch in the gut, a sad irony in this situation. He shouldn’t trust her. He can’t. He should be yelling at her, cursing at her, anything. Anything would hurt less than this. She can’t hold back the tears that well up in her eyes this time. 

“So believe me when I say this is for the best.”

“Do you love me? Did you ever love me?” He too, is trying his best to keep it together, but his question is tinged with hurt and doubt. Had he been delusional in thinking that what they had together had been love? He had never doubted it until now, but he couldn’t help but doubt everything he had thought he had known.

“This wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t.” Natasha is crying so hard now that she slumps into a heap on the ground, her chest racking with hiccups and tears. 

“So why are you doing this? What is there that we can’t work out together?” The sight of Natasha crying had always been something that cut deep, but possibly even more so now, as her tears of devastation overcome her. Steve wants to hold Natasha tight and wipe away her tears, but it feels inappropriate right now, so he just sat by her side as she cried. 

“There are some things that you can’t change in the world. You can’t will it better no matter how hard you try. There are some things that are just meant to be, and all of this was inevitable. We were just fooling ourselves when we thought that we could leave this all behind. This is your life, Steve. And I always knew in my heart that you would always come back to it. Our time on the run? It was.. a lie, it was never meant to last. This, this is what you’ve always been destined for. You’re Captain fucking America, for god’s sake. You’re a hero to the world, and I don’t fit into this life of yours. There’s a reason we didn’t work the first time around. I don’t fit into your world. I’d rather just put an end to it now before everything goes to shit. I would rather have some of you than none of you.”

Steve didn’t speak for a long time as he took in her words, and despite how much it had hurt her, Natasha was glad that she had said her piece, and gotten everything off of her chest that had weighed so heavy on her for such a long time. She had long been used to losing what she loved, and one day she would heal from it. Or at least she tried to tell herself that, but the ache in her heart said otherwise, exposing the lies she had tried to tell herself. 

“I never thought I would get a chance to live another life. After I woke up, and realized that everyone I had known was either dead, or had moved on, I resigned myself to the fact that the life that I had was gone. It was then that I decided that I would live out the rest of my life doing my best for the world until my time came-“ He turns to her, and looks her right in the eyes, his gaze so intense that Natasha feels like shrinking away for fear of the fact that she might just give in again, completely breaking her resolve, but she can’t bring herself to do it.

“And then I met you, and everything changed. As cliché as that sounds, and I know that it sounds very cliche, but it’s true. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I loved you, and that I didn’t want to live without you, but I wasted so much time holding back? Being a coward? Whatever it was, I thought that I was doing what was best for you, but I regret it now, because of all the time that I wasted not being with you, of all the time that we didn’t have together. I’ll always regret it. And I know it might be too little, too late, but I still have to say it, Nat. I’ve known that I’ve loved you for a long, long time, and I’m sorry that I ever made you feel as if you weren’t enough for me, because you’re everything to me. It flies in the face of everything that I’m supposed to be, and everything that I’ve ever known. I always thought that I had a duty to give everything I had to the world, even if it meant giving every bit of myself away, but I’ve come to learn that you’re my world, and there’s nothing more important to me than that. Being Captain America? Being a hero? None of that means anything to me without you, and I would happily give it up in a heartbeat if it meant that I would lose you. I love you more than anything, and I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t.” Natasha doesn’t realize that she’s been holding her breath until he pauses, but she feels as if all the air has been knocked out of her chest. She certainly hadn’t been expecting this. 

“But there’s nothing more I want than for you to be happy, and if this is what you want, I understand, but if you’re doing this because you think that this is what’s best for me, please don’t. Because if you think you’re doing me some sort of favour, you’re not. You mean the world to me, truly. We’ve given up enough the world, and committed our fair share of noble idiocy. You deserve to be happy, Nat. More than anybody I’ve ever met. You don’t owe the world anything anymore. We deserve to be happy, don’t you think so?”  
Steve’s words reverberate in her head, demanding an answer even though he doesn’t. He looks peaceful now that he too has said his piece and gotten everything off his chest. 

But she doesn’t, not after all she’s done and the people that she hurt. She’s not so sure that she deserves to be happy… but she wants to be. She wants to be happy.. with him. And Natasha wants to believe Steve’s words more than anything in the world. She wants so desperately to do so that she nods her head despite her resolve not to, despite everything telling her otherwise. 

Later that night as she lays in bed, Steve fast asleep next to her, Natasha fiddles with the platinum ring that was supposed to represent the happiness that she had, and all that was coming to her, but all she could feel was the wrench in her heart that told her that all of this was too good to be true. Despite what Steve had said, and how badly she wishes she could believe it all, she knows that he can never truly say goodbye to this life. He could never stand on the sidelines and do nothing, no matter how badly she wishes otherwise. And his heart would never truly belong to her, and one day she would be burnt for trying to possess something that she didn’t deserve. The thoughts haunt hurt even when she finally falls asleep, but still, Natasha tries her best to keep the faith and stay optimistic, even if it goes against everything she’s ever known. 

The next morning, Natasha finds out that they had missed so much in their brief absence, including the appearance of whoever Fury had been counting on when he pulled out that old pager of his. A human being with powers like she’s never seen before, and she had set off to look for Tony, who was somewhere in the galaxy the last they heard. Pepper had arrived at the complex late in the night after receiving news that someone was on the hunt to bring Tony back, their growing group waited patiently for any news of their friend. And despite the reservations that sat heavily at the base of her stomach, she was incredibly thankful that she hadn’t lost Steve too, and she let herself believe that things would be alright between them, even if everything else told her not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so in my defense, I had a super difficult time writing this chapter, buuuuuuut I have established that love is a complicated thing that askews logic, and reason sometimes. the two of them love each other, but love isn't perfect, and it'll all balance out in the coming chapters 😛

**Author's Note:**

> as always, comments are always greatly appreciated! thanks for reading :)


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